Monday, November 21, 2011

Off thoughts on marriage.................

I know this is mainly a jewelry blog, but I do like to write, and sometimes things are just near and dear to my heart, and I want to share them.  I don't mean to offend anyone, I don't claim to be an expert.  Just sharing some thoughts and things I have learned (and am still learning again and again).

I am rattled.  Another couple I know is getting divorced. This one is a shock.  Its rattled both Justin and I.  I don’t know the details.  Only that she felt like he didn’t listen to her (and met someone who did).  But I wonder, did she try to talk to him?  (like I said, I don't know the details, this is not gossip.......just thinking on this is all)

Now, I claim to be no expert on marriage, but the fact that mine is difficult gives me a little wisdom.  I’d like to share my thoughts.

Women, do you talk to your man? I mean, REALLY try to talk to him?  Tell him the things you tell your girlfriends, things like, you really thought you’d be doing something different with your life, or that you feel like a servant somedays, or that you need him to be more interested in you mind, and your dreams and your accomplishments.  Do you share your insecurities and fears?  Because I think, if you really tried, and I don’t mean at the dinner table, or when football is on, but in those moments when you are laying together in bed at night, do you try to talk to  him?

Talking has saved my marriage.  Talking, some forgiveness,  a BIG dose of the reality that you have to take the bad with the good and a mutual desire to take our vows seriously.   The grass may look greener today, but it always gets brown in a drought, and everyone has droughts.

I had a tough week with my husband this week. I didn’t feel like he was supporting me through a busy time.  I am working really hard to further my jewelry making career, and was stressed out to the max.  I told him.  He said he’d try harder.  I rolled my eyes.  Here we go again…….. He is not one for encouragement or compliments.  Just not his nature.  (Now, I know I totally have my flaws, I am aware of the many things I do or don’t do that are important to him too.)  After 12 years of marriage, and talking, we know what each other doesn’t like.  But we can rest in this..... ....Neither one of us expects the other to change so that we can be happy.  So we agree to work on ourselves ILO concentrating on each others flaws.  Does this happen all the time?  NO!  But we come back to it, forgive and start again.  We talk about our worries, fears and dreams.  We let each other know when we need something more from each other.

I had to learn that my husband may NEVER know when I want him to jump in with the kids.  He may NEVER just buy me gifts to be sweet.  He may NEVER know just when I need a hug.  But I do know that if I ask him for those things, he will jump in and be there for me.  So I had to get off my high horse of thinking he should just know those things, and I had to see who he is as a person.  I had to stop wishing he were someone he’s not, and love him for all that he is.  He may not be the husband who goes shopping with me, he may not write me poems (oh yes, I am a hopeless romantic), but he is tough, and hunts for our food and can build me things (like jewelry displays and train tables for the kids), and he is HONEST, and tells me everything, (oh yeah, everything, brutal honesty).  He is dedicated to his family, and works hard to provide for us.    He is my rough tough guy, and I love him for that.  I love him.   And I’d rather work on our crap together, then be fooled that the grass is greener somewhere else, and in 10 years have all new crap to figure out.

Now please, I do understand that there are some extreme situations and reasons for divorce. I just really believe that so many could be avoided if we just let go of this Hollywood picture of what marriage is, and realized that it’s hard to stay committed to someone.  The romance wears off as the kids come, and there are bills to pay, and if you live with me, as things get forgotten, aren’t ever put away, not written down (OH yes, I am the one who can’t seem to remember or organize anything…..and my husband is Type A- organized, efficient, logical.  Poor him, married to artsy, scattered brained, dream world me.)

So hey, let’s all make a new effort this week to find the good in our spouse.  To look at them and remember why we picked them in the first place.  Everyone has good qualities.  And then let’s ask ourselves, are we allowing them to be the best person they can be?  Because it’s hard to show your good, when someone around your is always bringing you down.  Does that make sense?   I mean, if I want my husband to be cheerful and play with the kids, what can I do help him be that way?  Extra smiles and attention?  Let him talk about his day (even when I have no idea who or what he is talking about?)  Take his lunchbox and papers for him when he walks in the door?  I think those little things go a long way, and work better then just telling him he needs to be more cheerful and play with the kids.  I’ve tried both ways.  One does not work, the other does.    
This is a plea for love.....real love.  Love sacrifices, love trusts, love forgives, even when forgiveness is not deserved.  Love tries again.  Love carries each others burdens.  Love is hard.  Love does not always have butterflies and rainbows.  Love is saying, "I love you anyway.........."
So enjoy a photo show of my hubby and me through the years.  As I look at these, I can remember a HUGE fight that we probably had around the time each was taken.  It's been tough, but I wouldn't trade it for the world.
phish show 199...something?

 What were we doing???  LOL!
 I do.
morning after our wedding (camping)....OJ and donuts from Mom and Dad

 Then came kids.

Getaways without them became much more important.


  1. Great post Staci, it wounds very familiar. I have only been married a little over a year, first for me 2nd for him. He spent nearly 20 years in his previous marriage. Right from the beginning we talked, so far I can tell him anything. There have been many times I've struggled to tell him something and he has taken it all in, no getting hurt or angry. I on the other hand, little miss over sensitive do get hurt alot but now that he knows that about me and he knows I will get over it he can also tell me anything. One reason I think this will be it for both of us, I have no doubt we can work through anything! We are aware of and accept each others faults and short comings and move on with life.

  2. love this, love this, LOVE this...

    Staci, thanks for sharing your heart; your words of advice AND encouragment. I told you - you were a "sharp-shooter". ;) You've said the real-deal, girl.

    I say a hearty AMEN! and couldn't agree more by saying that it takes "heart-work" to make and keep any relationship true; staying committed to one another; through the good times and the bad.

    Love your photos...

  3. Of course I meant it Sounds very familiar lol!!

  4. Love your post!!!! Love the pictures, love the thoughts!!! Love the way you write!!! Thanks for taking the time to write it all down and share it!

  5. You are echoing my words when you say that the grass is not always greener. I firmly believe that we all take our baggage with us, so the problems or hard times will always follow. My husband and I have had many growing pains, and one of my biggest lessons I have learned was that if I had something that was bothering me I need to talk to him, because he is not a mind reader, and me huffing and puffing around the house solves nothing. I also find that now when I tell him what bothers me, I don't feel so stressed and we get along better and it opens up our communication.

    We have had friends that are getting divorced too, and it shocks me and it always makes me think about my own relationship. I don't want to be out playing the field, we committed to one another, we have three children and so many things to look forward to and I believe that the good time as well as the bad, weave a beautiful tapestry of our lives together.

    Thank you for sharing, very well written.

    Take care,

  6. The perfect marriage is a marriage that is honestly imperfect.. with tears of both joy and sorrow... Forgiveness, understanding, humility, compassion and laughter.. lots of laughter.. You are absolutely right.. with the things you write about! I appreciate my husband more and more every day we are together..23 years later love grows stronger for sure!

  7. Well put Stacy! Letting your partner be who they are is something I have been learning. I've learned I can get him to help me with the baby or the house or just about anything I need with a please and a thank you. And YES I have to ask just about every time and it get's old but yelling and complaining seems to get us in an argument almost every time. As you know when you decide to become a mother (especially lucky enough to be able to stay home with your kids) you have many job's put on your plate. Although some days it get tiring, I remind myself how lucky I am to be able to be home with my son while my husband leaves the house every morning to make money to pay the bills. I remember to love the person I had this child with and the life we have together in this home we made together. Now Tyler is doing flips off the couch, I gotta go lol

  8. Staci... you are very wise :) I've been married for almost seven years and it is a struggle... it isn't easy to be married, to stay married. But it is, just like you said, so important to talk. And so important to love each other in spite of our flaws. That's true love. Thank you for this post, it was the perfect reminder for the beginning of the crazy holiday season!

  9. Very good post. Very real. I have been married 36 years to the love of my life and yes we are still very much in love. To those who have not been at this as many years as we have let me say...Staci you are so, dont't try to change each other, remind yourself of the things in him you fell in love with and focus on him how you feel and don't expect him to be a mind reader. Let me also add that if you want attentiveness, romance....want him to listen will get more of what you need if you give what you need. Model what you want for him. "Give and it shall be given to you"....this one took me along time to learn. Yes marriage at times is difficult. Yet I can say at 55 years old and 36 years of marriage later that this man is there when no one else is. He is a constant that I can always depend on and pulling together through the tough times instead of fighting against each other is where I find comfort and peace through the storms of life. When I count my blessings he is at the top of the list. Yes it is tough and sooooo worth it. Thank you for being so real Staci, you just don't find much of that anymore. Power of a Praying Wife by Stormie O'Martian is an awesome book. Every wife should have a copy. Not one of those books you read cover to cover and put down. You will pick it up often. I would love to have had this book in the earlier years of our marriage.