I am rattled. Another couple I know is getting divorced. This one is a shock. Its rattled both Justin and I. I don’t know the details. Only that she felt like he didn’t listen to her (and met someone who did). But I wonder, did she try to talk to him? (like I said, I don't know the details, this is not gossip.......just thinking on this is all)
Now, I claim to be no expert on marriage, but the fact that mine is difficult gives me a little wisdom. I’d like to share my thoughts.
Women, do you talk to your man? I mean, REALLY try to talk to him? Tell him the things you tell your girlfriends, things like, you really thought you’d be doing something different with your life, or that you feel like a servant somedays, or that you need him to be more interested in you mind, and your dreams and your accomplishments. Do you share your insecurities and fears? Because I think, if you really tried, and I don’t mean at the dinner table, or when football is on, but in those moments when you are laying together in bed at night, do you try to talk to him?
Talking has saved my marriage. Talking, some forgiveness, a BIG dose of the reality that you have to take the bad with the good and a mutual desire to take our vows seriously. The grass may look greener today, but it always gets brown in a drought, and everyone has droughts.
I had a tough week with my husband this week. I didn’t feel like he was supporting me through a busy time. I am working really hard to further my jewelry making career, and was stressed out to the max. I told him. He said he’d try harder. I rolled my eyes. Here we go again…….. He is not one for encouragement or compliments. Just not his nature. (Now, I know I totally have my flaws, I am aware of the many things I do or don’t do that are important to him too.) After 12 years of marriage, and talking, we know what each other doesn’t like. But we can rest in this..... ....Neither one of us expects the other to change so that we can be happy. So we agree to work on ourselves ILO concentrating on each others flaws. Does this happen all the time? NO! But we come back to it, forgive and start again. We talk about our worries, fears and dreams. We let each other know when we need something more from each other.
I had to learn that my husband may NEVER know when I want him to jump in with the kids. He may NEVER just buy me gifts to be sweet. He may NEVER know just when I need a hug. But I do know that if I ask him for those things, he will jump in and be there for me. So I had to get off my high horse of thinking he should just know those things, and I had to see who he is as a person. I had to stop wishing he were someone he’s not, and love him for all that he is. He may not be the husband who goes shopping with me, he may not write me poems (oh yes, I am a hopeless romantic), but he is tough, and hunts for our food and can build me things (like jewelry displays and train tables for the kids), and he is HONEST, and tells me everything, (oh yeah, everything, brutal honesty). He is dedicated to his family, and works hard to provide for us. He is my rough tough guy, and I love him for that. I love him. And I’d rather work on our crap together, then be fooled that the grass is greener somewhere else, and in 10 years have all new crap to figure out.
Now please, I do understand that there are some extreme situations and reasons for divorce. I just really believe that so many could be avoided if we just let go of this Hollywood picture of what marriage is, and realized that it’s hard to stay committed to someone. The romance wears off as the kids come, and there are bills to pay, and if you live with me, as things get forgotten, aren’t ever put away, not written down (OH yes, I am the one who can’t seem to remember or organize anything…..and my husband is Type A- organized, efficient, logical. Poor him, married to artsy, scattered brained, dream world me.)
So hey, let’s all make a new effort this week to find the good in our spouse. To look at them and remember why we picked them in the first place. Everyone has good qualities. And then let’s ask ourselves, are we allowing them to be the best person they can be? Because it’s hard to show your good, when someone around your is always bringing you down. Does that make sense? I mean, if I want my husband to be cheerful and play with the kids, what can I do help him be that way? Extra smiles and attention? Let him talk about his day (even when I have no idea who or what he is talking about?) Take his lunchbox and papers for him when he walks in the door? I think those little things go a long way, and work better then just telling him he needs to be more cheerful and play with the kids. I’ve tried both ways. One does not work, the other does.
This is a plea for love.....real love. Love sacrifices, love trusts, love forgives, even when forgiveness is not deserved. Love tries again. Love carries each others burdens. Love is hard. Love does not always have butterflies and rainbows. Love is saying, "I love you anyway.........."
So enjoy a photo show of my hubby and me through the years. As I look at these, I can remember a HUGE fight that we probably had around the time each was taken. It's been tough, but I wouldn't trade it for the world.